falling

I don't want to keep running, i don't want to stay scared of my past. But no matter how far i go to forget it, it keeps coming back. I really don't want to go back to the person that i was, and i hope i never do. However, when things come up like they have in the last couple days there is nothing i can do. I hate what some people made me, they need to understand that that girl is gone, and she is never coming back. I just wish that those same people didn't have such control over my life... why do i listen to what they say when i know its nothing but lies? why am i so quick to believe what they say... they judge me and tell me I'm nothing. when they do they make me feel like the smallest grain of sand. Insignificant and useless, but that's not me! then why when they talk to me to i hear every word they say and make it hard to believe the words of the people that really care. why is it so much easier to fall down to their level then to rise above them and live my life. I don't want to hurt anymore, if there was a way to change i would in a heartbeat.

Oh if it could be...

Sooo... for the last two days I've been really wrapped up in Pride and Prejudice and anything Jane Austin. I just love her stories!!! I guess the happy stories of love triumphing always gets me. Come to think of it all of my favorite novels end that way :/. But anyway I've been watching the BBC version on YouTube and I've been wanting to watch the newer one that we own. if only there were more hours in the day! What would happen if our lives were like these love stories? Wouldn't things just be so much easier? To find your one true love and know who he (or she)is the moment you meet. Just look at Elizabeth Bennet and Darcy... they were made for each other; and they both felt something the night they first met. (They just didn't know that it was love.) And to think they wasted so much energy trying to hate each other when they just fell deeper in love. Why can't life be like that?!?! Oh well, guess I'll just have to wait for the LDS version of my Darcy to come along. :D

Getting Real

So summer was amazing! Girls camp, Youth conference, Efy, and hanging out with friends. I don't remember ever having so much fun and felling the spirit as powerful as i did. What really hit me was when I got home from all of that and started preparing for school, anyway what hit me was how different real life is. The devil is everywhere and no joke it is really hard to stay away from everything. It sucks how much sex, drugs and cussing shows up in our society; and how hard it is to reject it all. It stinks how jealousy and gossip slink through the cliques of high school like a snake in water. I don't want to be one of the people who supports this stuff, but unfortunately I have been. I'm going to change that, its not going to be easy but i will do it. I just need a little help.

SUMMER!!!

Girls camp and EFY were both such amazing experiences. I don't think I've ever had so much fun! Being a youth leader changes everything, you think about the activities differently. I'm so glad I got to help plan the night hike on Joseph Smith. It really strengthened my testimony of him. I absolutely loved EFY!!! My company was awesome, and I gained so many friends. Getting to do things I don't usually do either because I never did them or had lost faith in doing them really helped me. Reading my scriptures was a big thing, but I think the most important thing was writing down the thoughts that came to me during that time. I knew that they were directed toward me, because of the power behind the words, and the feeling that came with them. I also got to build my testimony by simply testifying of Christ through song. I was able to sing a solo in the music program, and hearing what people had to say about my solo and the music program in general really helped me. And seeing it strengthen others really helps me to feel the spirit. I love everyone I met there, and wish I could have stayed longer. I loved the feeling I had there, and want to keep it with me the rest of my life; but taking it home is a lot harder then it seems. I want my family to feel it too, and know how much the Lord loves them. But I'm scared, I'm not sure how to share it with them. I wish we could start doing scriptures again, or family home evening. Simple things like that help so much.... I hope they understand how much I love them.

"Help, I need somebody..."

Have you ever wanted something you couldn't have? Like a little kid looking into a store window and seeing something he/she really likes; but its the most expensive thing there. Well, I get this problem ALL THE TIME!!!! (Not saying my problem is a menial toy...) I just wish I could get rid of it, especially when it comes to the things that are outrageously out of reach. People always tell me to get over it and move on, but there are some cases when I can't. And I find myself in a worse situation then I started out in. What am I supposed to do? I really need some guidance! but the people I trust the most to help me out in tough times are hundreds/thousands of miles away. Is praying about stuff like this a bad thing? I just need to know what to do, I'm scared of making the wrong decision and wondering what my life would have been like if I'd chosen differently.

A Still Smalll Voice

Its really hard to feel the spirit when things happen. Today our water pipe burst and our downstairs is flooded. No one meant for something like this to happen, its just something that we have to deal with. But its hard to feel the spirit when there is yelling and anger all around, especially in a time when we need it the most. The holy ghost is here to help and guide us, but how can we listen to it and heed its words when we can't hear him. My friend Chamae told me yesterday about an experience she had while driving here from Colorado; She talked about how she'd been driving for a long time and she entered a construction zone that told her to merge left. She could hear the spirit telling her to follow the sign, but she decided against it. There are so many other stories, much like this. We are given the gift of the Holy Ghost for a specific reason, but what does it do if we ignore it? I want to follow it always, but I'm also human.

BELIEVE. HOPE. ENDURE.

Why can't i live a life with no mistakes?
Is that too much to ask?
Things i wish would disappear
become my deepest fears
I want to become a better person
All i need to do is BELIEVE i can

I dream of a future that is unsure
I want things i can't have
Sometimes my light seems all but gone
and there is no way back to the surface
But with a little HOPE and faith in my Lord above
anything is possible

There are days i want to be invisible
days life doesn't seem worth the price
When darkness seems to overcome all I've done
and all i want to do is let go
Then i remember my past
and how far I've come
I can push through if i ENDURE the rain

I will BELIEVE in the impossible
I will HOPE I'm doing the right thing
I will ENDURE to the end

"By small and simple means"

So, as many of you know already, and for those of you who may not know; i am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints. And as a youth in the church i had the opportunity to go to an activity called youth conference. This year our theme was "Survivor" but it was more focused on the temple and preparing to go there and staying worthy. As such, one of our activities was going to the Louisville, KY temple to do baptisms for the dead. I love doing this, because it helps those on the other side, and gives them the choice of accepting the gospel. This time however i was especially touched by the priesthood holder who was baptizing me. As he read one of the names he paused and his voice cracked. And in that small, quiet moment he told me that the women i was doing the work for was a member of his wife's family. It was just a small reminder that these people have families still here who are going to be sealed to them for eternity because of the sacrifices we make to stay worthy and spend our time in the temple. And it is proof that doing such a small thing such as going to the temple that something much greater can happen. I'm glad that i'm a part of the work and i hope i can be better at doing my own family work.

Running toward something more

I went out to run today, like i haven't in along time. At first it came easily, and it felt as if my strength and skill hadn't at all faded over the years. It felt good, like it was something i was meant to do; then i couldn't run anymore. It became painful and after all but a couple of minutes the strength and freedom I'd felt were all but gone and i was left with the steep and long journey home. I know my way home, and all i have to do is walk back the way i came to save myself the trouble of things that might be in my path, but i didn't want to go back; i wanted to continue forward. I think its the same with our journey back to our Father in Heaven. He has made the path clear in our minds and has given us all the freedom and strength it takes to get home. But like i let myself slack in running and let the pain of my knees be an excuse for my stopping i and so many of God's other children have let life's trials take the blame for falling off His path. There are so many times that i wish i hadn't stopped running, just like i wish i could take back some of the things I've done in my life. But i can't look back on the path I've traveled thus far with regret and longing to turn back. I have to, like i did today, continue onward and hope that I'll be able to get back home safely. Many who know me and my family have the common knowledge that we live by a cemetery. Today before i went home i made the choice to jog down into the cemetery and look at the gravestones. One in particular i love to visit. It's the headstone of one D.Michael, born October 16th 1999 died December 13th 1999. It's not because his grave is decorated with his would have been Christmas toys, or the cute picture that is on it; but the peace and warmth i feel when I'm around it that draws me in. Whenever I'm around it, I'm humbled to know that this small child will be welcomed home into our Father's loving arms and not have to experience the harsh reality of the world. And like this small boy, my brother will also have had that experience. No, i didn't grow up with my brother, and in fact he would be several years older than me. But i feel like i don't need to grow up with someone to know them. All my life I've known of my brother and I've always wondered what it would have been like to grow up with him. But he has always been with me, if i knew it or not. He has been here guiding me along my way. and tho i may choose to do things that make me forget him, i can always feel his warmth again when i do the right. Growing up in the church I've been taught that families are forever and that we can live with those passed again. But I've also been taught that we have been given people throughout our lifetime to help us along our way. Some of those people sent to me, i have come to realize are one amazing young man Jacob Foist and the most loving Young woman Shantelle Meacham. Theses two have taught me more in the last couple of years then i can remember learning in ten. From them i have been reminded that i am a daughter of God, and he loves me. And no matter what i do in my life, if i choose to repent and come back to Him, He will welcome me with open arms. I have also learned that in this lifetime there will be trials that come whether we want them to or not; but if we put our trust in the Lord and push forward in faith we can overcome even the hardest thing. I will never forget the journey I've taken or the things I've had to overcome to get where i am now, but i will also never forget the things i must now do to become stronger and become a better example to those around me. I'm happy to have grown up in the church and have the opportunities i have, and to know the people i do. Some of my best friends are members of the church, and i know that i will have a connection with them that i don't with those not. No matter what happens i will be strong. Because I'm not perfect, but i will never stop trying. Just like i will never stop running (or at least trying). :)

Faded Memory

Heart beats slow and unconnected
Breathing seems to stop
Don't let me slip and fall
Come back, lift me up
Your picture in the corner
your fading memory
Please come back to me
The once pure gleam of your
sparkling smile
Now nothing more than a dream.
Running mile after mile
reaching out to you.

The warmth you once brought with you
grows cold as the seasons change
You left so quick, so sudden
with no more then a whispered "Good-bye"
Help me feel your warmth again deep down inside.

Speak words of strength to me once more.
Teach me what I need to know
Guide me on my way
I'm reaching out to take your hand
entwine your fingers in mine
Turn, come back to me
Hold me tight in your arms
Don't let your life become
nothing more than a faded memory.

I've been thinking a lot about where I was a couple years ago compared to where I am now. I don't know where I wold be without my friends and my loved ones. there are so many things that they've done that I'll never be able to repay them for. I'm so happy to have the friends I do; although they are few my friends are the best things that ever happened to me. Thanks :)

What's in me

I am Called

I am called to fight
I am called to learn
I am called to stand with God
through is almighty word
and I am called
as a daughter of him

He sent his son for me
the he might die for me
and i must do my part
to come back to his light

I am called to live
I am called to give
a helping had to those in need
I will work through life
with an honest word
And i will strive to live in him

He sent his son for me
the he might die for me
and i must do my part
to come back to his light

I will serve faithfully
Because I am called
of him

I came home today from a pretty awesome day at school, and when I got on the computer I saw a link for the Joseph Smith movie. I sat and watched the movie, then decided to look at the ldsyouth.org... I can't remember the last time I felt the spirit this strongly. I know that I've done things in my life, but I also know that I'm a daughter of my Heavenly Father. As I listen to uplifting music, I can't help but think I want to share this with those around me. It's great to know that I can listen to music that has an uplifting message. I'm so grateful that I'm a member of this church and that I've meet so many great people. Without the church I don't know if I would have ever had the chance to know one of my greatest friends. Shantelle is an amazing example, I'm sure going to miss her when she goes off to college later this year. I've been able to receive so many blessings in my life because of this gospel. I know that my brother Jesus Christ came, lived, suffered and died for me. I also know that He was resurrected and lives again. I want to become more like Him, and stay worthy to live with Him and the Father again someday. I'm going to live my life worthy of going to the temple because that is the straight and narrow path. I will do everything I can to stay on that path of righteousness. I know and shout to the world that Joseph Smith was a prophet of Heavenly Father, and we have a living prophet today. I know that this gospel is true, with all my heart I know that it is true.

BLAH! (revised)

Life has challenges... but I can get through them if I only remember who I am and why I'm here.