Dreading Christmas

Sooo... most of you would ask, why would anyone dread Christmas? It's such a great time of year! All of the joy from shopping, giving gifts, baking cookies to set by the fire for Santa... and most of all the time you get to spend with family. Well, to all of you out there, it is that last part that I dread the most. No, it isn't December 25th I dread, it's the extended family Christmas. You see, every year we get together with my mother's side of the family before Christmas to exchange gifts and spend time together. This year it just so happens to be the 16th. Anyway, we all get together, go to church in whatever city the get together is, then give out gifts. Then afterwards we are left to socialize... not one of my best qualities. Side note--- I'm not a very talkative person, especially around people I don't know very well. The same can be said when I know the people too well aka family. Therefore when we get together as a whole family (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.) I for the most part keep my mouth shut unless asked a question. Why may you ask do I do this? Here, I'll tell you. Over the years I've been subject to the constant reminder that I, Jennifer Nicole Houser, am in fact human and apparently not good enough for my family. Every year it is the same thing. From my grandparents - "How are your grades? B's and A's you say?? I bet you can get that up to straight A+'s like Emmali!" From my aunt- "Are you still going to seminary??? No? What a shame." Grandma- "What kind of guys are you dating? Better be mormon boys, don't want to get in trouble." "What schools are you applying to? USU, ISU... What about BYU? You know if you go anywhere else you're gonna end up corrupt and a nonmember!" "Are you getting any scholarships? No? Too bad, Kendra's whole family got tons"--- IT NEVER ENDS!!!! It only makes me feel like I don't belong in the family and makes me not want to be there even more. I wish people would quit comparing me to my cousins or to other people around me and just recognize that I'm not them! My name isn't Coral, or York. So can you just let ME be ME? Just once I'd like to have a conversation that doesn't revolve around the things I've done, the choices I'm making. Ask about the music I like! What my favorite movie is... maybe I'll get to actually know someone in my family. So back to Christmas. Why do I dread it the most out of all the family get togethers? Because the true spirit of Christmas is about loving one another no matter what they've done. Loving them for who they are. When I don't feel like family... ya I'll say it. I don't feel loved.

Is it an Accident?

Have you ever picked up a book thinking you would just read if because you had nothing else to do? Then once you start getting into the story you discover that one of the main characters is a mirror image of you? Surprisingly this happened to me! It was so weird though, maybe because of the events of yesterday, or the things that I've been struggling with; but I think it's a good thing this happened. No, I'm not going to tell you what book or character, but i just want all of you to know that no matter what happens, you shouldn't be afraid to be who you truly are. The world is here for us to learn and explore... why should be let the social norms hold us back? I want to discover, like this character what my purpose here is in the world.

Scared of Time

So much has happened in the last couple of months. Sometimes i wish i could talk to people, sometimes i wish i could take it all back. I cry myself to sleep every night, hoping that things will get better. Sometimes i see a glimpse of happiness, but then something happens to take it all away. I don't want to be the way i am, but i don't know how to change. I miss doing things with people i care about, i hate having secrets and the thing i hate most of all is not being able to tell the people i care most about. Things have gotten so hard, and sometimes i just want to give up. In my darkest times i turn to my friends for help and support.... I've been blessed with a select few that will always be there to help me no matter what. Something I'm struggling with the most right now is my faith. If you read my older posts you'll think that I'm spiritual and have a strong testimony. Things in the latter part of last year have somewhat changed that. I don't know who i am in the church anymore... sometimes i don't want to be there at all. But growing up in it, that's all i know. its not that i hate the church or the people there, its just that i don't think i belong anymore. Is that such a bad thing? I'm scared of what's to come in the future....

falling

I don't want to keep running, i don't want to stay scared of my past. But no matter how far i go to forget it, it keeps coming back. I really don't want to go back to the person that i was, and i hope i never do. However, when things come up like they have in the last couple days there is nothing i can do. I hate what some people made me, they need to understand that that girl is gone, and she is never coming back. I just wish that those same people didn't have such control over my life... why do i listen to what they say when i know its nothing but lies? why am i so quick to believe what they say... they judge me and tell me I'm nothing. when they do they make me feel like the smallest grain of sand. Insignificant and useless, but that's not me! then why when they talk to me to i hear every word they say and make it hard to believe the words of the people that really care. why is it so much easier to fall down to their level then to rise above them and live my life. I don't want to hurt anymore, if there was a way to change i would in a heartbeat.

Oh if it could be...

Sooo... for the last two days I've been really wrapped up in Pride and Prejudice and anything Jane Austin. I just love her stories!!! I guess the happy stories of love triumphing always gets me. Come to think of it all of my favorite novels end that way :/. But anyway I've been watching the BBC version on YouTube and I've been wanting to watch the newer one that we own. if only there were more hours in the day! What would happen if our lives were like these love stories? Wouldn't things just be so much easier? To find your one true love and know who he (or she)is the moment you meet. Just look at Elizabeth Bennet and Darcy... they were made for each other; and they both felt something the night they first met. (They just didn't know that it was love.) And to think they wasted so much energy trying to hate each other when they just fell deeper in love. Why can't life be like that?!?! Oh well, guess I'll just have to wait for the LDS version of my Darcy to come along. :D

Getting Real

So summer was amazing! Girls camp, Youth conference, Efy, and hanging out with friends. I don't remember ever having so much fun and felling the spirit as powerful as i did. What really hit me was when I got home from all of that and started preparing for school, anyway what hit me was how different real life is. The devil is everywhere and no joke it is really hard to stay away from everything. It sucks how much sex, drugs and cussing shows up in our society; and how hard it is to reject it all. It stinks how jealousy and gossip slink through the cliques of high school like a snake in water. I don't want to be one of the people who supports this stuff, but unfortunately I have been. I'm going to change that, its not going to be easy but i will do it. I just need a little help.

SUMMER!!!

Girls camp and EFY were both such amazing experiences. I don't think I've ever had so much fun! Being a youth leader changes everything, you think about the activities differently. I'm so glad I got to help plan the night hike on Joseph Smith. It really strengthened my testimony of him. I absolutely loved EFY!!! My company was awesome, and I gained so many friends. Getting to do things I don't usually do either because I never did them or had lost faith in doing them really helped me. Reading my scriptures was a big thing, but I think the most important thing was writing down the thoughts that came to me during that time. I knew that they were directed toward me, because of the power behind the words, and the feeling that came with them. I also got to build my testimony by simply testifying of Christ through song. I was able to sing a solo in the music program, and hearing what people had to say about my solo and the music program in general really helped me. And seeing it strengthen others really helps me to feel the spirit. I love everyone I met there, and wish I could have stayed longer. I loved the feeling I had there, and want to keep it with me the rest of my life; but taking it home is a lot harder then it seems. I want my family to feel it too, and know how much the Lord loves them. But I'm scared, I'm not sure how to share it with them. I wish we could start doing scriptures again, or family home evening. Simple things like that help so much.... I hope they understand how much I love them.