Always and Forever

wow... I guess it's been a long time since I've written. So much has changed. I'm getting married, in about two months... and things are moving fast. I don't know where we are going to get all the time to get everything done. I'm happy beyond belief, but at the same time I'm scared. Not scared about getting married, no, about after. I would do anything for my future husband, but I'm afraid that that wont be enough. I want everything for him, and I'm not sure if I can give him that. We get in fights over the most stupid stuff. He wants to be a mechanical engineer... but right now we are both are stressed and worried about school/futures. I am worried that stress will just get worse. I just want to see him happy. And I want to be happy with him, always and forever.

Devil's fire

Sometimes I don't understand the reasons for the way I feel. It just happens. Like today, I feel down, and I can't explain why. Brenton has been trying his best to raise my spirits and make me happy, but nothing seems to be working. What is wrong with me? Is there something inside me that just prevents me from feeling happiness? Is there something inside that causes all this pain? Sitting here.. I look around at my College English class and wonder "how many of these seniors are like me?" How many of them feel the heat of the devils fire? Can they see inside of my soul, know what I know? Is there something, someone out there that can stop this numb from spreading deep inside? I want to feel love, hate, happiness, and desire.

Choices

So I've decided to chose a few select subjects to write about... just to give my opinion. Idk, maybe I'll find a few things out about myself along the way. My first subject is agency. "Agency is essential in the plan of salvation. Without it, you would not be able to learn or progress or follow the Savior. With it, you are 'free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil'(2 Nephi 2:27)". I believe that without agency, we wouldn't be able to make the mistakes that make us who we are. Without agency, we would all just be zombies roaming the streets; mindless to the world around us. It is agency that lets us learn how to become better people, people that can stand up for who we are; who can face our past and live to face each new day. I for one am happy that I chose to live a life of choice, I know I've made mistakes but with agency I have been given a chance for forgiveness. Christ gave me this life. All I need to do is make a choice.

Someday

Someday I'll leave everything behind
find the land in my mind
Watch the birds fly
High in the sky
Run over each grain of sand
feel the grass beneath my hand

Someday I'll runaway from here
someday I'll disappear
Be the focus of the magic trick
to any far of land-
take your pick

Wont have to worry all day
Instead I'll sleep my cares away
Sleep under the stars in the sky
Watch a falling star fly by

One day this could all be real
no need for a devil's deal
I'll work hard for my pay
and maybe someday
someday I'll find peace
Find a new lease-
on life

New People

Making friends is really hard for me. Especially after everything that's happened this past year. I just don't trust as much as I used to. I've lost a lot of good friends, and I'm scared that it will happen again. So when a friend of my suggested I go dance with a friend of hers I was a little more than scared. First, I'm not that good at swing to begin with. I've only been like maybe 3 times max? Then she's like, "you're gonna really like this guy!" Oh gosh... even more for me to be nervous about. So side note- the last person I was introduced to broke my heart; he was like a big brother to me. We used to talk for hours, and when he went on his mission I would write him. But when he got back, things changed. And I lost the best friend I'd ever had. So you can see why I was a little scared. I danced with him, and it was wicked fun :). We've been talking ever since. I'm slowly learning to get over my fear of trusting new people.

The Music in Me

You know those moments when you are the only one home and you turn your music up all the way and sing along? I practically live for those :). Lately, I've been talking a lot about how I'm not the person I used to be; well that's true. To tell you the truth, the past two years have really changed me, inside and out. Changed the way I think, the way I feel, the music I listen to, the way I act, and the things I write. When this all started I thought this was all a curse, but after everything, I think it has really helped me change for the better. I've grown up a lot. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the simple things in life; but I am more cautious. The only time I am really able to enjoy the old me is those moments when I'm singing at the top of my voice to Three Days Grace, Falling in Reverse, or Evanescence. I don't have to worry about the way other people see me. When I hear music, when I sing, when I play... I let everything go. Nothing else in the world matters. Because nothing else it there. I was forced to leave Symphony this year because of health problems, and I really miss it. It was the one time a day where I didn't have to worry about answering questions or stupid exams I could just play and enjoy it. I really miss that. Sometimes when no one is home I'll get my cello out and play, just to have something back to normal. Idk. Without music, I think my life would end... seriously. Music and writing are everything to me. They are the only ways I can express how I feel. The main character in my novel also plays... and there is a part where she is playing in a concert and she can feel the music flowing through her into her bow and out into the audience. That's exactly how it used to be for me. I miss it, but maybe there is a reason for me not playing. Maybe there is something else that I need be doing. I want to show the world that I'm better... side note- I spent a lot of last year, and still am afraid of my past. but someone recently told me that it's because of the past that we are who we are today, it's nothing to be ashamed of. That is why I still want to share with the world the music in me; hopefully someone will think it's something worthwhile.

Dreading Christmas

Sooo... most of you would ask, why would anyone dread Christmas? It's such a great time of year! All of the joy from shopping, giving gifts, baking cookies to set by the fire for Santa... and most of all the time you get to spend with family. Well, to all of you out there, it is that last part that I dread the most. No, it isn't December 25th I dread, it's the extended family Christmas. You see, every year we get together with my mother's side of the family before Christmas to exchange gifts and spend time together. This year it just so happens to be the 16th. Anyway, we all get together, go to church in whatever city the get together is, then give out gifts. Then afterwards we are left to socialize... not one of my best qualities. Side note--- I'm not a very talkative person, especially around people I don't know very well. The same can be said when I know the people too well aka family. Therefore when we get together as a whole family (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.) I for the most part keep my mouth shut unless asked a question. Why may you ask do I do this? Here, I'll tell you. Over the years I've been subject to the constant reminder that I, Jennifer Nicole Houser, am in fact human and apparently not good enough for my family. Every year it is the same thing. From my grandparents - "How are your grades? B's and A's you say?? I bet you can get that up to straight A+'s like Emmali!" From my aunt- "Are you still going to seminary??? No? What a shame." Grandma- "What kind of guys are you dating? Better be mormon boys, don't want to get in trouble." "What schools are you applying to? USU, ISU... What about BYU? You know if you go anywhere else you're gonna end up corrupt and a nonmember!" "Are you getting any scholarships? No? Too bad, Kendra's whole family got tons"--- IT NEVER ENDS!!!! It only makes me feel like I don't belong in the family and makes me not want to be there even more. I wish people would quit comparing me to my cousins or to other people around me and just recognize that I'm not them! My name isn't Coral, or York. So can you just let ME be ME? Just once I'd like to have a conversation that doesn't revolve around the things I've done, the choices I'm making. Ask about the music I like! What my favorite movie is... maybe I'll get to actually know someone in my family. So back to Christmas. Why do I dread it the most out of all the family get togethers? Because the true spirit of Christmas is about loving one another no matter what they've done. Loving them for who they are. When I don't feel like family... ya I'll say it. I don't feel loved.