The Music in Me

You know those moments when you are the only one home and you turn your music up all the way and sing along? I practically live for those :). Lately, I've been talking a lot about how I'm not the person I used to be; well that's true. To tell you the truth, the past two years have really changed me, inside and out. Changed the way I think, the way I feel, the music I listen to, the way I act, and the things I write. When this all started I thought this was all a curse, but after everything, I think it has really helped me change for the better. I've grown up a lot. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the simple things in life; but I am more cautious. The only time I am really able to enjoy the old me is those moments when I'm singing at the top of my voice to Three Days Grace, Falling in Reverse, or Evanescence. I don't have to worry about the way other people see me. When I hear music, when I sing, when I play... I let everything go. Nothing else in the world matters. Because nothing else it there. I was forced to leave Symphony this year because of health problems, and I really miss it. It was the one time a day where I didn't have to worry about answering questions or stupid exams I could just play and enjoy it. I really miss that. Sometimes when no one is home I'll get my cello out and play, just to have something back to normal. Idk. Without music, I think my life would end... seriously. Music and writing are everything to me. They are the only ways I can express how I feel. The main character in my novel also plays... and there is a part where she is playing in a concert and she can feel the music flowing through her into her bow and out into the audience. That's exactly how it used to be for me. I miss it, but maybe there is a reason for me not playing. Maybe there is something else that I need be doing. I want to show the world that I'm better... side note- I spent a lot of last year, and still am afraid of my past. but someone recently told me that it's because of the past that we are who we are today, it's nothing to be ashamed of. That is why I still want to share with the world the music in me; hopefully someone will think it's something worthwhile.

Dreading Christmas

Sooo... most of you would ask, why would anyone dread Christmas? It's such a great time of year! All of the joy from shopping, giving gifts, baking cookies to set by the fire for Santa... and most of all the time you get to spend with family. Well, to all of you out there, it is that last part that I dread the most. No, it isn't December 25th I dread, it's the extended family Christmas. You see, every year we get together with my mother's side of the family before Christmas to exchange gifts and spend time together. This year it just so happens to be the 16th. Anyway, we all get together, go to church in whatever city the get together is, then give out gifts. Then afterwards we are left to socialize... not one of my best qualities. Side note--- I'm not a very talkative person, especially around people I don't know very well. The same can be said when I know the people too well aka family. Therefore when we get together as a whole family (cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.) I for the most part keep my mouth shut unless asked a question. Why may you ask do I do this? Here, I'll tell you. Over the years I've been subject to the constant reminder that I, Jennifer Nicole Houser, am in fact human and apparently not good enough for my family. Every year it is the same thing. From my grandparents - "How are your grades? B's and A's you say?? I bet you can get that up to straight A+'s like Emmali!" From my aunt- "Are you still going to seminary??? No? What a shame." Grandma- "What kind of guys are you dating? Better be mormon boys, don't want to get in trouble." "What schools are you applying to? USU, ISU... What about BYU? You know if you go anywhere else you're gonna end up corrupt and a nonmember!" "Are you getting any scholarships? No? Too bad, Kendra's whole family got tons"--- IT NEVER ENDS!!!! It only makes me feel like I don't belong in the family and makes me not want to be there even more. I wish people would quit comparing me to my cousins or to other people around me and just recognize that I'm not them! My name isn't Coral, or York. So can you just let ME be ME? Just once I'd like to have a conversation that doesn't revolve around the things I've done, the choices I'm making. Ask about the music I like! What my favorite movie is... maybe I'll get to actually know someone in my family. So back to Christmas. Why do I dread it the most out of all the family get togethers? Because the true spirit of Christmas is about loving one another no matter what they've done. Loving them for who they are. When I don't feel like family... ya I'll say it. I don't feel loved.

Is it an Accident?

Have you ever picked up a book thinking you would just read if because you had nothing else to do? Then once you start getting into the story you discover that one of the main characters is a mirror image of you? Surprisingly this happened to me! It was so weird though, maybe because of the events of yesterday, or the things that I've been struggling with; but I think it's a good thing this happened. No, I'm not going to tell you what book or character, but i just want all of you to know that no matter what happens, you shouldn't be afraid to be who you truly are. The world is here for us to learn and explore... why should be let the social norms hold us back? I want to discover, like this character what my purpose here is in the world.

Scared of Time

So much has happened in the last couple of months. Sometimes i wish i could talk to people, sometimes i wish i could take it all back. I cry myself to sleep every night, hoping that things will get better. Sometimes i see a glimpse of happiness, but then something happens to take it all away. I don't want to be the way i am, but i don't know how to change. I miss doing things with people i care about, i hate having secrets and the thing i hate most of all is not being able to tell the people i care most about. Things have gotten so hard, and sometimes i just want to give up. In my darkest times i turn to my friends for help and support.... I've been blessed with a select few that will always be there to help me no matter what. Something I'm struggling with the most right now is my faith. If you read my older posts you'll think that I'm spiritual and have a strong testimony. Things in the latter part of last year have somewhat changed that. I don't know who i am in the church anymore... sometimes i don't want to be there at all. But growing up in it, that's all i know. its not that i hate the church or the people there, its just that i don't think i belong anymore. Is that such a bad thing? I'm scared of what's to come in the future....